Mass Hysteria
by Akari Hoshi
Summary: A collection of drabbles from the Challenge Community on LJ. Various pairings and characters spanning over all three games. Spoilers abound. Raw and un-beta'd.
1. My Hat!

Joker was pissed.

He was used to the pranks. Hell, he played more than a few himself. However, everyone had their limits and his hat was sacred. He had woken up this morning from a particularly nasty nightmare which already fouled his mood. But when he reached for his hat and found it missing from its usual spot, his mood went from crap to shit instantly.

He had scoured the crew quarters, the guy's bathroom, even the women's. Nothing. His omni-tool beeped twice, letting him know he had just barely enough time to eat breakfast before he had to report to the cockpit. His mind was preoccupied with plans of revenge when he made his way to the mess. He grabbed a tray from Gardner and sat down at one of the tables, not even noticing his surroundings.

"Good morning, Joker. Sleep well?"

Joker looked up from his...were these supposed to be eggs?...and his jaw dropped. Shepard sat across from him, a smirk on her lips, his hat perched on her head.

"My hat!" he cried.

"Oh this?" She pulled hat down further on her head, the bill covering her eyes.

"Cute, Commander. Now give it back."

Shepard stood without answering and headed toward the elevator. "You want your hat back, you'll have to come up to my quarters and get it," she tossed over her shoulder.

Joker stared after her, for once at a loss for words. His day was definitely improving.


	2. Favorite Book

"Shepard, hey, um, you got a second?" Kaidan asked, his voice hesitant.

"Sure, Kaidan. What's up?"

"So I got to thinking about our conversation a couple days ago and well, I got you something."

Shepard scrambled to remember which conversation he was referring to and why on Earth Kaidan was acting like a embarrassed teenager. Nothing in particular stood out, which made him even more nervous. Had he missed out on something important? Their relationship was relatively new and Shepard was so scared of screwing something up.

"Shepard, you in there?"

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sorry. Just...got a lot on my plate."

"There's an understatement if I ever heard one. Anyway, here. Maybe this will help."

Shepard stared at the well-used paperback book in confusion. "It's a book."

"Well, yeah. It's one of my favorite authors. It's older than hell, but I think you'll like it. You said you liked detective stories and this one takes place in Chicago. It's sort of supernatural, though, and I don't know if that's your thing..."

Oh! The "sanity check"! The conversation had drifted to books and favorite authors. Shepard hadn't learned to read or write until he had enlisted, but from that point on he had devoured nearly book in Arcturus' library. They shared some favorites, disagreed strongly on others and had promised to try something new from the other's collection.

"No, no. Supernatural is fine." Shepard took the book from Kaidan, a smile on his face. "_Storm Front_? Sounds good."

Kaidan smiled in return. He leaned closer and kissed Shepard gently on the cheek. "I gotta run. We'll talk about the book later?"


	3. Don't Worry, I have this

"They just keep coming! Spirits, where the hell are they coming from!"

There was a sea of husks, abominations and scions between them and their exit. They were like cockroaches, crawling out of every crevice and crack, swarming together and rushing toward the small stack of crates that served as shelter for the trio.

Thane popped up and fired a quick burst from his assault rifle. "They're going overwhelm us if we don't do something fast."

Shepard got a wicked gleam in his dark brown eyes. "Don't worry, boys. I have _this_," he said, pulling the M-90 Cain out from behind his back. He popped up from behind their cover and pulled the trigger, the heavy gun shuddering as it powered up. There was a high pitched whine as the projectile left the barrel, the force knocking Shepard on his ass.

The explosion was massive, waves of heat rushed over the top of them. After hearing so many moans and groans from the Reaper forces, the silence that followed the explosion was deafening.

"God _damn_ I love this gun!" Shepard cried.


	4. Beloved

_Beloved Warden of my Heart's Prison,_

Your face is the most beautiful I've ever seen.  
Your hair crimson, the color of a winter rose.  
Your eyes shine like gems, your freckles dance across your nose.  
Your voice is like a memorable tune sung by poets under a December moon.

Your biotics glow the darkest blue.  
It was damn sexy how you stopped that coup.  
Your smile on the battlefield stirs my heart.  
My soul longs for you when we are apart.

When you rescued me from bureaucratic hell,  
I never imagined things would go so well.  
So to you, my Goddess of desire and affection,  
I say this: When you lead, I will follow, no matter the direction.  
You are my crouching leopard,  
my dearest and beloved Shepard.

Yours Always,

Garrus Vakarian


	5. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

Kaidan sighed contentedly as a cool mountain breeze caressed his skin. 2 years, six months and 24 days since the Reapers had been destroyed and they were finally out of London. Shepard was well on her way to recovery, finally able to get around without the use of crutches. He had suggested they get away somewhere tropical where they could lay in the sun and drink garish colored alcohol in glasses the size of fishbowls. Shepard wanted nature, mountains, trees, solitude. He rented a cabin Portland and off they went.

Things had been perfect. They spent their days walking amongst the trees, following shallow creeks, and just enjoying being alive and together. Tonight was their last night in the cabin; Kaidan was returning to active duty day after tomorrow and they needed to be in Vancouver before then.

The peaceful afternoon was suddenly interrupted by a loud screech followed by a stream of profanity that would make Jack uncomfortable. Kaidan dashed back into the cabin, the dark blue corona of his biotics flaring and dancing on his skin.

"Kahlee! What's wrong?" he called out, racing toward the back of the cabin.

"I will kill the son of a bitch...oh you poor dear..."

That stopped him in his tracks. "Kahlee?"

"In the bathroom! I need your help."

He couldn't really believe what he was seeing. Shepard, wrapped in a towel, sitting on the floor of the master bathroom, a small ginger tabby curled up in her lap.

"She came in through the bathroom window and scared me half to death," Kahlee explained. "She's kinda beat up, on of her ears is bleeding and she's got some pretty nasty scratches on her sides and tummy."

"Oh." Kaidan replied lamely. "Uh..."

"Do you think there's a vet in town? She really needs some help. Unless you think medigel might help?"

Kaidan, now slightly over the shock of seeing his wife holding an injured stray in her lap, smiled warmly. "Still saving the world," he said softly.

She chuckled. "Yeah, I guess. And I'm keeping her. I don't care if she's chipped. Her owner let her wander out to get hurt. She's mine now."

"Let's get her fixed up first. Then we can talk adoption."

"Come on, Pounce," Shepard cooed. "Your dad is going to hold you while I get dressed and then we'll head to the doctor and get you fixed up." She kissed the tabby on the head, between the ears.

Kaidan rolled his eyes and gingerly picked up Shepard's cat. Her bright green eyes met his and she gave a plaintive "mrow" and his heart was gone. He smiled inwardly. He always did have a thing for red heads.


	6. I Got This

"Are you sure you don't want my help?"

Joker waved her off. "I got this."

"Seriously, Joker. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."

Joker turned in his seat and met Shepard's pale grey eyes. "Shepard, I know what I'm doing. Back off."

She shrugged in defeat.

Joker laid down his cards. "3 of a kind, Ace high."

Vega grinned as revealed his hand. "Sorry, Bones. Picked up a straight on the river. You should have listened to Lola."


	7. Dirty Little Secret

"I know your secret, Shepard."

Lia smirked. "Oh yeah? You been snooping in my panty drawer again, Kaidan?"

"You of all people should know to clear your extranet search history if you're going to let some one use your private terminal."

_Oh shit..._

He stalked toward her, a predatory gleam in his warm chocolate brown eyes. "All you had to do is ask, love."

"You don't think it's weird?"

"You carry the weight of the entire galaxy on your shoulders. It makes sense that you would want..._release_ from that burden."

She shivered, his low, raspy voice doing dangerous things to her mind. "I don't know how."

He caressed the side of her face with the backs of his fingers. "Shhh," he whispered, the corners of his delicious mouth turning up in a small smile. "I'll take care of you."

She could feel every ounce of tension flowing out of her body. "I never knew how to tell you. I'm sorry."

"Do you trust me?"

"Implicitly."

The smile faded and his eyes grew serious. "Good. Now get undressed and bend over the desk. I want to see your ass bared and ready for my hand in 30 seconds."


End file.
